Walk away, my dear. From what drags around your feet … shake loose the seaweed that has wrapped around your ankles. Reach into your eye sockets, where you’ve turned to blindness, travel down your throat and place a firm grasp on your heart. Make yourself a bed of shame and look straight at the ceiling. Wallow, but do not waste. Darling, walk away.

Dear Sales and Customer Service People of the World,

I do not hate you. I’m usually not this big of a bitch. Trust. You just called me during dinner when I had my name on the do not call list, or I had to talk to you at the most inconvenient time of day … say, in between a lunch break when I have 30 minutes to scarf down cold pizza, sort out my bill shit, and get back to work. Or at 2 AM when I’m cracked out on caffeine still awake finishing some stuff (right, stuff), and I realize I booked a flight for yesterday Saturday instead of this weekend Saturday. You won’t hear me at my prettiest.

I know that this is just a job, and jobs have to pay the bills, and if you could be doing something you actually liked then you would, but you probably can’t, because even though Ben Bernanke seemingly flew in on a unicorn wielding the economic torch of Jesus*, it gon’ be awhile before things get better. If they get better. Because 2008 really fucked things up, for everyone (except you, 1%. Many of you a-holes caused this.) … hence why you’re probably in this position in the first place. Vicious cycles are vicious.

Anyway, it must be hard being the lice in America’s hair, with everyone itching to terminate you in the most aggressively hostile way possible. Just know to not take it personally. It’s not you, it’s me. Unless you’re that guy who hates everything. Then sometimes it is you.

Yours,

Ika

*Dig a little deeper …

Because even as you’re dancing, and drinking, and talking to vaguely attractive strangers, there’s this omnipresent gnawing feeling in your gut that nothing means anything, and you feel this endless, existential isolation… was that just me?

John Green on college parties, via Is College Worth It?

Continous Fail, courtsey of NBC.

NBC, do you have the mental capacity of a deranged orangutan? Do you like being the ugly step child?

First, you fuck up the Olympics. And not just because you added Seacrest, a man who knows absolutely nothing about sports, into the mix, and then let him gobble on while the London Bomb victim tribute took place. Nay, not just because of that. Because we were the only country not airing that shit live. THE ONLY COUNTRY. You decided we would be the world’s hipster instead. And, to our misfortune, we became.

Now, airing a Kardashian interview during the moment of silence? Of. All. Days. You picked today. Because Kris Jenner’s bazoomas are the pinnacle of news worthy. Because the Kardashians aren’t already the flesh-eating bacteria of American television.

What do you have to say for yourself?

The ‘Today show’ dedicated a considerable amount of time to September 11th coverage this morning throughout the entire show.

Everyone has three lives: a personal life, a public life, and a secret life.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez